once again i am feeling the need to get some stuff out. i dont know how many people even read any of this anymore, but it's not like it matters. i want to know when it was that i got so complacent about change. people in my life are changing fast and i just seem to be ok with it which seems odd. it's like i'll wake up some morning two weeks from now and suddenly be hit with how different things are and it will knock me down. but right now, it's just the way things are. i guess that's kind of how i am with everything. it takes a while to process. im a little annoyed about something. and of course i can't just ignore it and move on, no, i need to tell you. so here it is. i am happy. happy. seriously. very happy. i am content with my life, i am enjoying my singleness, i love having my dog (i know that sounds odd), i love my job. i am happy. but there will always be moments when little things bother me, and unfortunately that is what people hear; complaining. that annoys me. i just find that i have a lack of anything else to say. so i complain. i shouldnt do that. and if i complain to you, you should know that under the surface of the very minor irritations, i am happy. i hope, under the minor irritations, you are happy too. it's strange that i can say that i am content. i still want things, the husband and family and for the dog to not fart (excuse me while i fan the HORRIBLE smell away, good lord tilly!), but i will still be content with what i have. i have found myself longing for children lately. this goes past wanting. it's like a deep desire that needs to be met. at the very edge of desperation. but it doesn't affect my happiness. this week has been long and busy and constant. today was a nice break and tomorrow is going to be incredible. and then monday will come again, and i will find myself running the monday-friday marathon that my job has become where i come home at night and crash and then there will be another saturday, another day of recovery before the marathon starts again. let me remind you that i am happy. i prefer the marathon to the boredom. pete's back at mustang. if you know who he is, you know why this matters. i saw him yesterday. he kept walking by until i finally waved. im not really sure how i feel about this. i think i maybe feel a little sad, a little "i hate men", but im not exactly sure. he didnt do anything wrong. i didnt do anything wrong. ok, here it is. so he's the first guy that ive had any kind of feelings for since ywam. yeah, that was five years ago. five years ago i got my heart broken into tiny little bits by a german fellow. squashed. shredded. and it was my fault. i think i must have subconsciously vowed never to love another (said very dramatically), and then there was pete. i have been unbelievably careful with my emotions where pete is concerned, as there was NEVER any flirtation. in fact, i think the only time he ever started a conversation with me was when i started a countdown for the release of book 7 and he asked me if i thought harry was going to die. regardless of how careful i was with my emotions, pete has still become a disappointment. i am tired of these disappointments. so, here's the real question i have to ask myself (no, im not asking you, so please dont give me your opinion) am i single because i dont want to get hurt; or am i single for the reason i tell myself; that God just hasn't brought the person into my life yet? no matter what the answer really is, i choose to think it's the latter. i have watched too many relationships fail or be miserable because someone didn't wait for the right person. there are relationships of convenience that i suppose i could have now, but they'd fall short. terribly short. you know what im waiting for? im waiting for one married person to tell me how much they love their spouse. to tell me that they love being married. that they are so thankful for the man or woman that God has so mercifully provided for them. i have TONS of married friends. people in my personal life and people in my working life, and i have never once had one of gush about how much they love their spouse. i hope that if God, in His infinite kindness, blesses me with a partner, i will gush about how much i love them, how much i appreciate them, and how blessed i am to have them. and if i cant do this, i dont want to get married. i talk to people daily, different people all the time, who constantly complain about their spouses. just like i said above, i know there are very minor irritations that arise in life. and maybe when people talk to me, they have a lack of things to say too, so they talk about their irritations. I completely accept this as a possiblity. i need to focus more on the positive in my conversations. i need to find some way to make it clear to people that just because im irritated it doesn't mean i'm not happy. i think i have been doing better about that lately, but i will try to do it more. my darling friends are too busy for me right now. it's ok. i understand. and i know that i am not forgotten. so please, don't worry about keeping me happy, i'm not going anywhere and i will be right here when things slow down, and i know that you will call me and we'll see each other. so please, take care of yourself and the things that are your priorities right now. i will admit that i miss you terribly, but i want the very best for you and i know that there are other things occupying your time that you must be a part of. i know these things aren't more important than me, they're just more pressing. i ain't going nowhere. i'll be right where you last found me and i'll be delighted to hear from you and so excited to hear what's going on in your life. this post has been a lot more emotional than i thought it would be. i guess i had some things to get off my chest. i know i watch too many movies, and lately way too much jane austen, but i am waiting for the great romance. deep down i feel i deserve it. that's a terribly selfish thing to say, but after all the waiting and all the people that have come and gone and all the loss, i really feel like it's time for me to have someone who will stay. someone who's all mine. every time i write something like that God just invites me back to Himself. so if He is the one, then He will be enough. but if He wants to give me more, that will be amazing. stinkaroo, she just farted again. ghastly. how can something so cute make such a terrible smell? oh my goodness, she just got up and left the room with this very sheepish look on her face. the dog is embarrassed. | 
